As I near time to receive another chemo treatment, I begin to prepare….completing tasks, cleaning, organizing, planning. I guess it is my nesting impulse knowing that I will soon be down for the count. As the day for treatment nears, I feel a certain angst, yet not really knowing why. And then it hits, and I fully remember. It is as if I block out the memory of the side effects; and as they return…I tolerate them as an unwelcome visitor. Each time is different and also very much the same. Even with my best efforts, I cannot prepare for everything. This time Gordon was out of town on business. If it weren’t for the combined efforts of Grandy, Gran, Velma, Sally, and Debbie, I would have surely struggled to survive. To top it off, we had a house showing on Saturday. I barely remember the “event.” And no…no offer yet . Gordon did come home Sunday, poor thing, because I was barely conscious for his entire “one day” in town. Wow, it is Wednesday, and I just now feel lucid enough to relay my thoughts.
On Friday, Feb 8, I met with the doctor. He reported that my blood work was good, and I would receive my scheduled treatment. He stated that I was due another echo cardiogram (because my chemo drug may result in serious side effects to the heart) for monitoring purposes. This is scheduled for March 4. Then on March 8, I have another CT scan and meet with the doctor to review the results. 1) If there is no evidence of the tumor, I will be released for three months. 2) If the tumor is still present, but still shrinking, I will continue with the same chemo regimen. 3) If the tumor has not decreased, or is larger…another chemo treatment will be prescribed. What if, what if, what if….I think I will choose “if” option 1. As so often stated, I am “done.”
So where is God in the picture? I have not mentioned my God or my faith lately. I talk to God often as I lay wakeful. I ask that He show me the way. I am still inspired to be of service and to follow a path of good will. Sometimes my path is blurred by my own self absorption and fears. But, at night, when all is quiet (well not always because I have three children who cannot sleep through the night!!!)….I find God once more and am reminded of how rich and full my worldly life is. I choose not to be cynical, mistrusting and defeated, for what good would that do. The alternative better serves this world and my God, for in my time here, I would love to have made a positive difference.
This journey with cancer is physical, mental and emotional. I try not to let it consume me but it surely shapes who I am. I also feel that it has shaped those in my life. My friends, family, and acquaintances who have come forward to rake leaves, play with my children, send a card/text/call, drive me somewhere, bring a dinner, flowers, gifts for the children, buy fundraising items, pray, pray and pray some more. We are all connected, and this is why I believe in God, and why my life means so much to me.
Thank you to everyone who shares this journey with me.
Love, love, love hugs and kisses for a Happy Valentine’s Day!