An Open Vessel

I have been on such a frenzy, prepping for the trip to Memphis, that this past week, I have not been answering calls, texts etc. I am truly blessed for all of your calls and texts – for each day I was met with fatigue and obligation. I was driven to get all the presents purchased and wrapped before I left Nolensville. There were family gifts, friends’ gifts, teacher gifts, class parties, dog care, home care, hair cuts, packing, etc. I started at the beginning of the week, but with arranging transportstion and working around everyone’s schedule…anyway …I worked myself into a “state.”  As great as I feel by having it all done, I fell out on Thursday night. When I woke Friday, I felt as though I would have to cancel the trip. I couldn’t find an ounce of energy to get up and “finish.” Thank God, I turned to God, for He is my everything. I cried out for mercy and forgiveness, for driving myself to the point of depletion, and expecting God to pick up the pieces. I have been cautioned by others, and myself, to gauge and temper my desire for busy-ness. I want to do so much, but things are different now. I actually want to do “more,” feeling I may miss my chance, or run out of time. I prayed for another “chance” if God would give me just one more day to press forward. Then I prayed again – for forgiveness (for running things MY way) and gave thanks, for God lifted me up. Picture this, for you’ll witness God’s awesomeness. Friday morning, as I lay helpless and hopeless, I faced defeat. I had acted poorly, and now must face the consequences of my reckless, self-willed abandon. I would have to miss Clayton’s pageant and postpone the trip. The pageant had been the real impetus for a Friday arrival, and something we had been promising Clayton all week. I had blown it! Not one to favor self indulgent martyrdom, I turned to Jesus my savior and Lord…and to Saint Peregrine, to help me face my affliction and suffering.  God knows what is best. I asked for forgiveness, and humbly asked for help. I received the strength and courage to *take my meds, *drink the blessed holy water given to me by the Sisters of Mercy and “sister” Cecilia, *pray to the Blessed Saint Albert and Saint Peregrine, patron saint of cancer, gifted to me by my dear friends Lisa and Denise. I read from texts shared by my mother and friend Chris, words of reflection for insight deeper into the Scripture, and the focus on everything present and real…meditation on the right now. (No, I am not Catholic or Buddhist or other. I am a little bit of everything which brings me closer to God.). I was able to get up and get ready. I worked in accordance with my family, not to stress or upset the rhythm. As we were ready to leave on time, I had a few personal care set backs, which delayed our departure. I continued to move in sync and believe we would receive everything needed to make this trip, and arrive to the pageant on time.  On the way, we hit traffic due to an accident. We had many bathroom breaks. We arrived late with no spare time for dinner, change of clothes, etc. We all remained calm, positive and  “in the game.” Plan B was reasoned, to eat a quick fast food snack, some of us change clothes in the darkness of the car and dim lit parking area, and arrive just AT time for the pageant to begin. Despite the challenges of the day and subsequent fatigue and angst, behavior was at an all time best…against all odds.  This is where I once again invite you to witness and know the Lord.  As a Christian, a parent, and a cancer survivor! among other things, I account this event as a full blown MIRACLE!!! There is no way I would, this could, have have happened without my turning everything over to the care of God. When I turn my life over to the daily whims of life, perceived needs and well thought out actions…I receive only empty selfish gains and empty promises. When I open myself to the full power of God and all the riches He has to offer, not only to lead my life but to guide my actions based on truth…I receive true life and all it has to offer.  Many friends have shared with me recently that they were so moved by my words and testimony. I say that I only speak the words that channel through me…words that come, not from me, but from The Lord.